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Topics - Connor Altinus Mcleod

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1
General Discussion / Battletech Update
« on: May 25, 2021, 01:39:35 PM »
https://www.sarna.net/news/your-battletech-news-roundup-for-may-2021/


The latest news round up for Battletech and Mechwarrior

2
General Discussion / State of the Watch March 2021
« on: April 06, 2021, 10:46:47 AM »
Hail to the Watch. First off........

*Sung to the tune of "I want to be a snowman"* If you want to be an officer, then we have tons of work for you. No pay and just for the enjoyment of serving others. Send Connor or Sorahl an email if you are crazy like us, too.

Now that is out. Thank you all who volunteered last month. We have some new officers in the lands and, like always, real life snuck past me. Officers meeting in April will be the 24th at 0900 AM Est. This should allow for lots of planning. Before this, we will be doing the Officers Review. I would ask all officers to take a look at the IRR release listing on the website and the Projects Tracker to give an update for this month.

Calendar issues: we are tracking them. Please report them on the website and in Discord to Lili so that she can push the resolution. Roster work and promotions are ongoing. The roster works much better now, but it is a slog getting all the overdue put back together. We should be done by the end of the year. Please make sure that your alternates are flagged in the game and added to the site. Roster officers have much work to do, and we can always use a few more. Trust me, if you were a roster officer before, we have a much better system now!

Allied Guilds will be updated this month. It is on my listing... it really is...

For all our new members, Remember that we have many games and some just have a few Watchers while some have many. If you look at the games rating system, you can see where we are on what game. This review is done monthly based on the login report of the games. We could use some WOW leads for the traditional World of Warcraft. Right now we have members logging in and many applications, we just do not have event leads and roster officers.

Spring has Sprung. Happy Easter to all.

Connor

3
General Discussion / Defiance Game Closure
« on: March 31, 2021, 11:52:44 AM »
https://www.trionworlds.com/defiance/en/2021/02/23/defiance-and-defiance-2050-game-closure-announcement/


To our loyal Defiance and Defiance 2050 Communities,

Since the release of Defiance 8 years ago, followed by the release of Defiance 2050 3 years ago, we have shared countless gaming memories. Today we come to you with hearts heavy with sadness as we announce that Defiance and Defiance 2050 will officially cease all operations on April 29, 2021.

This decision was not an easy one to make. We concluded that both games could no longer sustain themselves.

While we are discontinuing the games service, we will never forget the incredible journey we embarked on together. It is never easy to announce the shutdown of any game, knowing how much time and effort we have all put into making Defiance and Defiance 2050 enjoyable for many years.

As of today, all cash purchases will be disabled. Bits already purchased before February 24, 2021 will still be usable until the end of service.

Players may continue to play in Defiance and Defiance 2050 and enjoy all game features until April 29, 2021.

The following content will be available:

95% discount on all in-game items sold for Bits in the Defiance Store.
Every 1-2 weeks, we will hold a server event for Defiance and Defiance 2050.
Server Boosts for Skill, Reputation, and Experience Points will be active.
Item giveaways.
If you are wondering what to play next now that your favorite games are closing, worry not! We have a wide selection of games from all types and genres here at gamigo! Check our website at https://gamigo.net/ and pick your next passion!

As a welcome offer, you can use these gift codes to start your journey in one of our gamigo games:

Trove

Hellbugs hold special memories and you don’t want to give up on these buggy baddies?
Worry not! Hellbugs can now be your allies and cubed. So grab your friends, hone your blades, and set off for adventure in Trove, the ultimate blocky action MMO.

Use the code now: THXANDSEEYOUIN TROVE

The code is valid through May 31, 2021, 23:00 UTC, redeemable once per account.

Desert Operations

Conquer the world through battle, diplomacy and teamplay! Vehicles, helicopter gunships, jets, ships and much more are to be yours to take important economic and strategic decisions in this strategy MMO!

Check the code now: code will be provided soon

The code is valid through May 31, 2021, 22:00 UTC, redeemable once p

4
Flotsam and Jetsam / Three members Pending
« on: January 13, 2021, 12:26:49 PM »
Everyone,

I am working on getting into touch with the 3 members that are pending approval.  So far no luck I resent them discord invites this morning.

5
Anything Goes / Videogame sales log best March in 12 years
« on: April 21, 2020, 07:09:23 PM »
Videogame sales log best March in 12 years
Apr. 21, 2020 1:43 PM ET|About: Nintendo Co., Ltd. (NTDOY)|By: Jason Aycock, SA News Editor
Videogame sales posted a healthy rebound in March - reversing seven months of year-over-year declines - as the COVID-19 crisis spurred broad shelter-at-home orders, and users flocked to games for entertainment.

Industry sales rose 35% overall from March 2019 to $1.6B, the highest spending for a March month since the $1.8B in March 2008, according to NPD Group.

Gains were broad - and considering the refresh cycle, very strong in hardware (up 63% to $461M). In short: People went out and bought Switches.

Software sales rose 34%, to $739M, and accessory revenues rose 12%, to $397M.

The strong month cut the industry's YTD sales decline to 4%, and hardware is now up 2% YTD.

In hardware, Nintendo Switch (OTCPK:NTDOY) set a March sales record, more than double its total from a year ago, analyst Mat Piscatella notes. PlayStation 4 (NYSE:SNE) and Xbox One (NASDAQ:MSFT) each grew sales by more than 25%.

The Switch Pro Controller was the best-selling individual gamepad, while PlayStation 4 hit a platform high for gamepad spending in a March. Best-selling headset/headphone was Turtle Beach's (NASDAQ:HEAR) Xbox One Ear Force Stealth 600.

In software, it was all about Animal Crossing: New Horizons (OTCPK:NTDOY), which debut at the top of the monthly chart and immediately became the second-best selling game YTD. In its first month, it's exceeded lifetime sales of all others in the Animal Crossing franchise.

It outpaced last month's leader, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare (NASDAQ:ATVI), and other debuts settled in behind: at No. 3, MLB: The Show 20 (SNE), and at No. 4, Resident Evil 3 (OTCPK:CCOEY).

Rounding out the software dollar-sales top 10: No. 5, NBA 2K20 (NASDAQ:TTWO); No. 6, Doom Eternal (Bethesda Softworks); No. 7, Persona 5: Royal (Atlus); No. 8, Grand Theft Auto V (TTWO); No. 9, Borderlands 3 (TTWO); No. 10, Mario Kart 8: Deluxe (OTCPK:NTDOY).

6
Elevenar / Elementals
« on: February 10, 2018, 05:50:34 PM »
Dear Humans and Elves,

The time has come for a new guest race to join your cities in Elvenar : The Elementals!

The Elementals are a very old and mystical race that lives in another dimension. Their boisterous power of nature is bound into magic masks that enable them to take a stable shape. For instance, they can use the masks to appear in a humanoid shape to interact with other races (remember the Masquerade event?). Without their masks, they would not be much more than uncontrolled fire, water, air and earth, so the masks are quite vital to their cultural existence.

Unfortunately, they lack the precise knowledge how to build these masks on their own. That is why they lived in a kind of symbiosis with the Elvenar. The mighty, god-like Elvenar helped them to create the masks, and in turn the Elementals used their power to build up glorious cities and also legendary armies. No other race would dare to threaten the Elvenar when they are supported by such a powerful force.

Every few centuries, the Elementals have to revisit Elvenar to renew their masks - and their collaboration and friendship with the Elvenar. That is why they suddenly pop up in your town, expecting you to be the Ancient Elvenar. When they find out that you are indeed not the Elvenar, they start to worry a lot about their own future. They decide to build up a Settlement in your town to help you regain access to the knowledge of your ancestors - ultimately to help them to survive.

In the process, they teach you the basics of how to produce Sentient Goods, a technique that future Guest Races will further improve. The Elementals start with showing you how to produce Platinum, Moonstones and Elven Tree Gum using the Divine Seeds. This will enable you to progress through the Tech Tree and unlock improved versions not only of your own buildings, but also of the Settlement Buildings, which are unlocked level by level this time. Thus, as a player, you can watch step by step in the Settlement, how the instable Elementals of the beginning slowly regain control of their shape and build more and more stable structures and in the end proper buildings.

Can you save the Elementals before they cease to exist and turn into pure elements? And can you prove to be the true heir to the Elvenar?

7
Elevenar / Army Production
« on: December 21, 2017, 01:59:05 PM »
Things that impact troop production:
Barracks - faster production times
Armouries - more troops per training slot in barracks
Wonders - certain wonders give free troops or increase training speed or increase training size
For stronger armies:
Squad Size technology
Wonders - Those that increase damage or HP
For weaker enemies:
Advanced scout tech - Decreases the enemies strength for unscouted provinces
Scouting approach - Again not directly affecting your troops but the enemy strength.
Scouting in a "circular" fashion, difficulty jumps a lot when you go an extra ring distance from your town
Timing of scouting to your advanced scout tech. Minimal or moderate scouting will have enemies you can beat. Scouting as much as possible will mean provincial combat becomes impossible
Chapter - If you are in chapter 1-3 you may not have access to all unit types placing you at a disadvantage. Provincial combat is also unbalanced in this area so just get to the end of chapter 3 through negotiating.
Number of armories depends on your play style. Anywhere from 2-4 is fairly normal for a combat person in most chapters. Some people do have up to 6 armories, later in the game wonders can influence this as well.

8
Anything Goes / Home School in the old days
« on: October 15, 2017, 04:55:42 PM »
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways
.

 

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning"

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
 You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 7.My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

 10.My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 
12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
 
13.My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
 
15.My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 24.My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25.My father taught me about JUSTICE
."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

9
General Discussion / STO Free Uniforms
« on: September 24, 2017, 03:51:46 PM »
Star Trek Online: Thursday, September 21st at 9am PST, to Friday, October 6th at 10am PST, Federation Captains on PC can receive the uniform from the brand new series for free! (And don’t worry, Console Captains, it’s coming your way soon.) Just head to the Promotions tab of the C-store to pick it up right now, and we can’t wait to experience the new universe of Discovery with you!

10
Ceredwin's Cauldron / 32 Things to get your mind off your troubles
« on: September 17, 2017, 03:42:55 PM »


1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.


2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will
digest itself.



3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.



4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.



5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.



6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.



7. A 2" X 4" Stud is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2".



8. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur,' a small red car can be seen in the
distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).



9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That
explains a few mysteries... .)



10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.



11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were
made of wood.



12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a
game of chess is 318,979,564,000.



13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and
silver.



14. The name 'Wendy' was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a
recorded 'Wendy' before.



15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed
the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.



16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go
mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)



17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you
could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.



18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s 'Born in the USA.'



19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (and that is a more
accurate description)



20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated
that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.



21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola,
so they called themselves Motorola.



22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.



23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into
quicksand.



24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with.



25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike
contest. (???)



26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.



27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."



28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take
more than three steps backwards while dancing!



29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.



30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from public libraries.



31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because
passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.



32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

11
General Discussion / State of the Watch for Aug 2017
« on: September 07, 2017, 03:04:48 AM »
Hail to the Watch,

Communication is the key to any good group.  A simple 'hello' or a 'how are you doing' is a great thing. It lets people know that we care and prevents the very thing that is beginning to happen in the guild - feeling alone. You see, as a multi-game group, we are 627 people spread across 13 plus different games. When you look at this, it means that we must talk. 

I know that many of you have a small group you enjoy gaming or visiting with, and for years we did not have the capability to span many different games.

Now we do. Finally, with the advent of Discord, we have the capability to communicate just like we did when we were on guild chat in the old days. Discord does not require voice, you can just log in and type, either in a general channel discussion or in private messages.  We're all busy with work, school, family, etc., and most of the day to day communication occurs using text-based messages. 

So I ask you all to say hello when Watchers come online. If you need a hand or are looking for something in the guild, ask. There are no bad questions. Come join us in Discord so that we can 'talk' a bit (Discord has a pretty good voice function, too!).  Here is the link https://discord.gg/d5uJGzX

See you in the lands and in Discord.

Connor

12
Ceredwin's Cauldron / Anagrams
« on: January 13, 2017, 04:39:21 PM »
Ok, when I read these I thought they were just too funny. Not to embarrass anyone or make anyone mad. Just thought it was interesting how they worked out.

Connor


PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
 
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

13
Interesting Article that can apply to anyone

 
Fully three in four, in fact, admit they harbor financial regrets, according to a survey of more than 1,000 adults by Bankrate.com.
Their biggest regret: not saving for retirement early enough (nearly one in five Americans put this in the No. 1 spot). What’s more, among those 65 and up, 27% said this was the biggest regret, compared with 17% of those aged 30 to 49.
Indeed, it is costly to wait. A person who starts saving $300 a month for retirement at age 25 (assuming a 5% return on investment) will have about $450,000 saved by age 65, despite only contributing $144,000 into his retirement account. Meanwhile, if that person waits until 35 to save the same amount each month, he will contribute a total of $108,000 toward retirement but only have about $250,000 saved at age 65. “If you don’t start saving early enough, you will start to notice that later,” says Greg McBride, the chief financial analyst for Bankrate.com. 

14
Anything Goes / Best Song to workout by
« on: May 22, 2016, 12:55:24 AM »
Thunderstruck by ACDC... Now top that!


You know I had to find a Army Video for it too


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YS8YP7mtNss

15
Anything Goes / As time passes
« on: May 22, 2016, 12:50:23 AM »
(this one is for Misty and I know she will get me for it later)


AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management.
I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine.
It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is
"I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.
Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

10. If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would've put them on my knees.

11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".

12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.

16
Anything Goes / Some Vexing Questions (PG-13)
« on: May 22, 2016, 12:49:08 AM »
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?   Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?

If a  pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives
a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help  others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen  defrocked, then doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald  men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the  mail?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know
you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the
universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to
touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then
reach  down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum
one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

REMEMBER, a day without a smile is like a day without  sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is,  like.......... .night!!!!

17
Ceredwin's Cauldron / Happy Mothers Day to all the Watch
« on: May 08, 2016, 12:37:45 PM »
I would like to wish all the Mothers of the Watch a very Happy Mothers day... With a few quotes to Hopefully Make you smile a bit.

God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers. Rudyard Kipling

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain

Mothers are the necessity of invention. Bill Watterson

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. Abraham Lincoln

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh


My Mom's menu consisted of two choices Take it or Leave it - Buddy Hackett

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. Theodore Hesburgh

My body fed your body, son,
 But birth's a swift thing,
 Compared to one and twenty years,
 Of feeding you with spirits tears.
 I could not make your mind and soul,
 But my glad hands have kept you whole.
 Your groping hands
 Bound me to life with ruthless hands.
 And all my living became a prayer,
 While all my days built up a stair
 For your young feet that trod behind,
 That you an aspiring way should find.
 Think you that life can give you pain,
 Which does not stab at me again?
 Think you that life can give you shame
 Which does not make my pride go lame?
 And you can do no evil thing
 Which sears not me with poisoned sting.
 Because of all that I had done,
 Remember me in life, 0 son.
 Keep that proud body fine and fair
 My life is monumented there.
 For my life make no woman weep,
 For my life hold no woman cheap,
 And see you give no woman scorn
 For that dark night when you were born.
Far in the deep recesses of her heart
 Where all is hushed, she keeps a holy shrine,
 Tis here her prayers kneel, and from above
 Long shafts of golden light upon them shine.
 Her heart is flower fragment as they rise
 Aquiver like a candle flame. Each prayer
 Takes wing to bless the world she works among
 To leave the radiance of the candles there

- Demolay International

Happy Mothers Day to all. O:)


18
General Discussion / KittyTravel is moving
« on: April 30, 2016, 03:53:04 PM »
Kitty has started his move so he is out for a bit. As soon as the move is completed he will be back estimated 30 days or so.



Connor

20
Anything Goes / Harry Potter Returns Really?
« on: April 09, 2016, 02:15:02 PM »
I mean after all the story is done!   ;D

22
Flotsam and Jetsam / Sound up, click link, watch full screen, ENJOY
« on: March 27, 2016, 02:50:05 PM »
This should put a smile on your face.... While waiting for a flight at
Washington, D.C. Ronald Reagan National Airport, two World War II
veterans proved they can still boogie!

The men were in D.C. as part of an Honor Flight – a service that
provides free flights to veterans so that they can tour the war
memorials in the nation's capital.

A group of three women known as the Three Ladies of Liberty began
entertaining the vets with their rendition of The Andrews Sisters
1940’s hit "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy." That's when one of the vets
stood up and provided some entertainment of his own, showing off some impressive - and unexpected - dance moves.

He was soon joined by another veteran who went straight for the ladies
as they sang the iconic wartime song.

A 2 min. video was posted to YouTube and has become an instant hit.
The Greatest Generation indeed.



http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/06/20/world-war-ii-veterans-start-dance-party-airport-during-honor-flight




23
Ceredwin's Cauldron / BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
« on: May 23, 2015, 05:09:15 PM »

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
 
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
 
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
 
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
 
**** And the WINNER is... ****
 
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
______________ ______________ ________
 
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________ ______________ ________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________ ______________ ______________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
______________ ______________ ______________ __
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________ ______________ ______
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________ ______________ ______________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________ ______________ ___________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________ ______________ ____
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________ ______________ __________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________ ______________ __
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
 
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________ ______________ _______
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________ ______________ ______
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

24
Flotsam and Jetsam / The Cab Ride
« on: November 30, 2014, 12:20:39 AM »
I arrived at the address and honked the horn. after waiting a few minutes I walked to the
door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor..

After a long pause, the door opened.   
A small woman in her 90's stood before me.   
She was wearing a print dress   
and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned
on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.


By her side was a small nylon
suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had
lived in it for years. All the furniture was
covered with sheets.


There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils
on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard
box filled with photos and glassware.


'Would you carry my bag
out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase
to the cab, then returned to assist the
woman.


She took my arm and we walked
slowly toward the curb.


She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I
told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers
the way I would want my mother to be
treated.'


'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave
me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive
through downtown?'


'It's not the shortest way,' I answered
quickly..


'Oh, I don't mind,' she said.   
'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice. '


I looked in the rear-view mirror.   
Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have
any family left,' she continued in a soft
voice.. 'The doctor says I don't have very
long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.


'What route would you like me
to take?' I asked.


For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me
the building where she had once worked as an
elevator operator.


We drove through the neighborhood   where she and her husband had lived
when they were newlyweds She had me pull up in
front of a furniture warehouse that had once
been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.


Sometimes she'd ask me to slow
in front of a particular building or corner and
would sit staring into the darkness, saying
nothing.


As the first hint of sun was
creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm
tired. Let's go now'.


We drove in
silence to the address she had given me. It was
a low building, like a small convalescent home,
with a driveway that passed under a
portico.


Two orderlies came out to
the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
They must have been expecting her.


I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to
the door. The woman was already seated in a
wheelchair.


'How much do I owe you?'
She asked, reaching into her
purse.


'Nothing,' I said


'You have to make a living,' she
answered.


'There are other
passengers,' I responded.


Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.   
She held onto me tightly.


'You gave an
old woman a little moment of joy,' she
said.
'Thank you.'


I squeezed her
hand, and then walked into the dim morning
light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound
of the closing of a life..


I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove
aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that
day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had
gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient
to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run,   
or had honked
once, then driven away?


On a quick review,   
I don't think that I have done anything
more important in my life.


We're conditioned to think   
that our lives revolve
around great moments.


But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully
wrapped in what others may consider a small one.


PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY
WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID ~BUT~THEY WILL
ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.


25
Flotsam and Jetsam / 9 months later!!!
« on: November 29, 2014, 01:55:11 PM »


John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you
smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

 ;D

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