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Topics - Connor Altinus Mcleod

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26
Flotsam and Jetsam / 9 months later!!!
« on: November 29, 2014, 01:55:11 pm »


John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's
minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they
pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I
have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you
smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

 ;D

27
Ceredwin's Cauldron / INNER CALM
« on: January 19, 2014, 03:28:24 pm »
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

28
General Discussion / A very Powerful Christmas
« on: December 21, 2013, 01:50:15 pm »

29
Flotsam and Jetsam / If you can
« on: December 19, 2013, 11:11:06 pm »
If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 
Then You Are Probably
The Family Dog!

30
Flotsam and Jetsam / Dolittle Raiders
« on: December 02, 2013, 01:13:50 am »
        On Tuesday, in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, the surviving Doolittle
Raiders gathered publicly for the last time.
        They once were among the most universally admired and revered men
in the United States. There were 80 of the Raiders in April 1942,
when they carried out one of the most courageous and
heart-stirring military operations in this nation's history. The
mere mention of their unit's name, in those years, would bring
tears to the eyes of grateful Americans.
        Now only four survive.

        After Japan's sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, with the United States
reeling and wounded, something dramatic was needed to turn the war
effort around.
        Even though there were no friendly airfields close enough to Japan
for the United States to launch a retaliation, a daring plan was
devised. Sixteen B-25s were modified so that they could take off
from the deck of an aircraft carrier. This had never before been
tried -- sending such big, heavy bombers from a carrier.
        The 16 five-man crews, under the command of Lt. Col. James
Doolittle, who himself flew the lead plane off the USS Hornet,
knew that they would not be able to return to the carrier. They
would have to hit Japan and then hope to make it to China for a
safe landing.
        But on the day of the raid, the Japanese military caught wind of
the plan. The Raiders were told that they would have to take off
from much farther out in the Pacific Ocean than they had counted
on. They were told that because of this they would not have enough
fuel to make it to safety.
        And those men went anyway.
        They bombed Tokyo, and then flew as far as they could. Four planes
crash-landed; 11 more crews bailed out, and three of the Raiders
died. Eight more were captured; three were executed.  Another died
of starvation in a Japanese prison camp. One crew made it to
Russia.
        The Doolittle Raid sent a message from the United States to its
enemies, and to the rest of the world: We will fight. And, no
matter what it takes, we will win.
        Of the 80 Raiders, 62 survived the war. They were celebrated as
national heroes, models of bravery. Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer produced a
motion picture based on the raid; "Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo,"
starring Spencer Tracy and Van Johnson, was a patriotic and
emotional box-office hit, and the phrase became part of the
national lexicon. In the movie-theater previews for the film, MGM
proclaimed that it was presenting the story "with supreme pride."
        Beginning in 1946, the surviving Raiders have held a reunion each
April, to commemorate the mission. The reunion is in a different
city each year. In 1959, the city of Tucson, Arizona, as a gesture
of respect and gratitude, presented the Doolittle Raiders with a
set of 80 silver goblets. Each goblet was engraved with the name
of a Raider.
        Every year, a wooden display case bearing all 80 g oblets is
transported to the reunion city. Each time a Raider passes away,
his goblet is turned upside down in the case at the next reunion,
as his old friends bear solemn witness.
        Also in the wooden case is a bottle of 1896 Hennessy Very Special
cognac. The year is not happenstance: 1896 was when Jimmy
Doolittle was born.

        There has always been a plan: When there are only two surviving
Raiders, they would open the bottle, at last drink from it, and
toast their comrades who preceded them in death.
        As 2013 began, there were five living Raiders; then, in February,
Tom Griffin passed away at age 96. What a man he was. After
bailing out of his plane over a mountainous Chinese forest after
the Tokyo raid, he became ill with malaria, and almost died. When
he recovered, he was sent to Europe to fly more combat missions.
He was shot down, captured, and spent 22 months in a German
prisoner of war camp.
        The selflessness of these men, the sheer guts ... there was a
passage in the Cincinnati Enquirer obituary for Mr. Griffin that,
on the surface, had nothing to do with the war, but that
emblematizes the depth of his sense of duty and devotion:"When his
wife became ill and needed to go into a nursing home, he visited
her every day. He walked from his house to the nursing home, fed
his wife and at the end of the day brought home her clothes. At
night, he washed and ironed her clothes. Then he walked them up to
her room the next morning. He did that for three years until her
death in 2005."
        So now, out of the original 80, only four Raiders remain: Dick
Cole (Doolittle's co-pilot on the Tokyo raid), Robert Hite, Edward
Saylor and David Thatcher. All are in their 90s. They have decided
that there are too few of them for the public reunions to
continue.
        The events in Fort Walton Beach this week will mark the end.  It
has come full circle; Florida's nearby Eglin Field was where the
Raiders trained in secrecy for the Tokyo mission. The town is
planning to do all it can to honor the men: a six-day celebration
of their valor, including luncheons, a dinner and a parade.
        Do the men ever wonder if those of us for whom they helped save
the country have tended to it in a way that is worthy of their
sacrifice? They don't talk about that, at least not around other
people. But if you find yourself near Fort Walton Beach this week,
and if you should encounter any of the Raiders, you might want to
offer them a word of thanks. I can tell you from first hand
observation that they appreciate hearing that they are remembered.
        The men have decided that after this final public reunion they
will wait until a later date -- some time this year -- to get
together once more, informally and in absolute privacy. That is
when they will open the bottle of brandy. The years are flowing by
too swiftly now; they are not going to wait until there are only
two of them. They will fill the four remaining upturned goblets.
And raise them in a toast to those who are gone.

31
Flotsam and Jetsam / Xbox 1 First Look
« on: August 21, 2013, 10:47:18 am »
Microsoft gave us our first glimpse at the Xbox One during its #XboxReveal event. The angular, half matte and half glossy black box looked like a major departure from the Xbox 360, but the company didn't reveal the internal specifications until E3 in June.

As widely rumoured prior to the console's debut, the Xbox One is powered by an x86 Accelerated Processing Unit (APU) designed by AMD and based on its Jaguar processor architecture. This mirrors Sony's PS4, which also uses a custom-built APU from AMD. However, the PS4 has 18 compute units, compared to the Xbox One's 12, which could lead to a performance disparity when it comes to multi-format games.

n order to address this performance disparity, Microsoft announced that the Xbox One would receive a minor performance boost by the time the console launches. The GPU clock speed was originally set to be 800MHz, but will be 853MHz by the time the console goes on sale. Although this number sounds small, it could be enough to provide an overhead for anti-aliasing, or other graphical effects.

Microsoft has given the Xbox One 8GB of DDR3 RAM, which has a 68.3GB/s memory bandwidth, along with 32MB of embedded ESRAM. This faster memory has a theoretical memory bandwidth of 192GB/s, although 133GB/s simultaneous read/writes speeds look more likely for early launch titles  at least until developers get to grips with the new hardware. 5GB of the 8GB DDR3 memory will be available to games, with the remaining 3GB reserved for the console's dual operating systems (more on that below).

Using off-the-shelf components should help Microsoft build systems faster than if it was fabricating its own chips, as well as cut down the learning curve for software developers, allowing games to be released faster.

XBOX ONE STORAGE AND BLU-RAY
The Xbox One will ship with a 500GB internal hard disk, along with a Blu-ray optical drive to play games and films. Initially, it was rumoured that the console wouldn't play Blu-ray movies, as Microsoft is pushing its Xbox Video streaming service, but thankfully this isn't the case.

The optical drive will install games to the hard disk in a similar manner to the way it does on the current Xbox 360, speeding up load times and keeping the console quiet as it won't need to read the disc during gameplay. Although we would have preferred to see a faster SSD, which would be faster, cooler and quieter than a mechanical disk, Microsoft would have struggled when it came to price.

XBOX ONE CONTROLLERS
The Xbox 360 controller is arguably one of the most comfortable and well-balaned we've ever used, so it's unsurprising that Microsoft hasn't made any drastic changes with the Xbox One controller.

The asymmetric analogue sticks make a return, as do the A, B, X and Y face buttons, triggers and bumper buttons. The triggers have gained vibration feedback, giving very fine and immediate response to your actions directly to your fingertips.

32
General Discussion / Where do you think the future of gaming lies?
« on: July 31, 2013, 01:38:03 am »
This was a great question posed on Raptr and I wondered what does all the watch think?


So what do you all think?



Connor ???

33

** Not sure if this is true but I know a few marines... Just might be.



Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas.

One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.


The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.


The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, Texas.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter . . .
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down."

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location."

"Fortunately, the Marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile
was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway
        77, south of Kingsville."


"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech."


"Sergeant Johnson, (his nameplate was fully visible) the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar.  It appears the filling is loose.


Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

Semper Fi

34
Ceredwin's Cauldron / Being Green
« on: May 12, 2013, 07:51:24 pm »

My grandmother saved and reused her bread sacks. She used T-shirts as handkerchiefs, then as washcloths, then as weather-stripping on her windows. She grew and canned her own fruits and vegetables, made her own jelly and jam, and never threw away leftovers.

20 Years ago, the "green" movement forced people to switch from paper shopping bags to plastic in order to "save the trees." Now they say you are evil if you use the plastic bags that THEY told you to use.

Grandma was a gentle, quiet woman, but I am sure she would have told someone to mind her own business and tend to her own ecology.

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment f or future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were truely recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But too bad we didn't do the green thing back then.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

35
Flotsam and Jetsam / Funny
« on: May 02, 2012, 01:27:18 am »
The Top Ten Most Ridiculous Lawsuits of 2011
*Convict sues couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade police
*Man illegally brings gun into bar, gets injured in a fight, then sues bar for not searching him for a weapon
*Young adults sue mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites
*Woman disagrees with store over 80-cent refund, sues for $5 million
*Mom files suit against exclusive preschool over child's college prospects
*Man suing for age discrimination says judge in his case is too old
*Obese man sues burger joint over tight squeeze in booths

*Woman sues over movie trailer; says not enough driving in "Drive"
*Passenger's lawsuit says cruise ship went too fast and swayed from side to side
*Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese - says games encourage gambling in children
PARAPROSDOKIAN S (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

36
Ceredwin's Cauldron / So now you know
« on: January 26, 2012, 02:25:36 am »
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right!  And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
 
Q: Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
A: This comes from the French word m'aidez -meaning 'help me' -- and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
 
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US ,  Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
 
Q. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
A: In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document.. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
 
Q: Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called 'passing the buck'?
A: In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing,he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
 
Q: Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
A: It used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously .  When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host's glass with his own.
 
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A:Invented in 1825,limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre,a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
 
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
 
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl,Louis, King of France , learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned  (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced  'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie.
 
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
 
Q: Did you ever wonder why dimes, quarters and half dollars have notches (milling), while pennies and nickels do not?
A: The US Mint began putting notches on the edges of coins containing gold and silver to discourage holders from shaving off small quantities of the precious metals. Dimes, quarters and half dollars are notched because they used to contain silver. Pennies and nickels aren't notched because the metals they contain are not valuable enough to shave.

37
Flotsam and Jetsam / Just a wee little story
« on: December 23, 2011, 02:57:40 am »
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass
jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect.
No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and
twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and
made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with
the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her
some attention, but he was too busy at this moment.
Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing.  She cleared her throat with the most disgusting
sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a
quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter.
That did it!

‘And what do you want?’ the pharmacist asked in an
annoyed tone of voice. ‘I'm talking to my brother from
Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,’ he
said without waiting for a reply to his question.

'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess
answered back in the same annoyed tone. 'He's
really, really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.'

'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.

'His name is Andrew and he has something bad
growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a
miracle can save him now. So how
much does a miracle cost?'

'We don't sell miracles here, little girl.  I'm sorry but
I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.

'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough,
I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man.
He stooped down and asked the little girl,
'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'

' I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs
an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want
to use my money.'


'How much do you have?' asked the man from  Chicago   .

'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely
audible.  'And it's all the money I have, but I can get
some more if I need to.'

'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and
eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.'

He took her money in one hand and with the other hand
he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live.
I want to see your brother and meet your parents.
Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'

That well-dressed man was Dr.  Carlton  Armstrong,
a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation
was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until
Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of
events that had led them to this place.


'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle.
I wonder how much it would have cost?'

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost....
one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.


In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,
but the operation of a higher law.
I know you'll keep the ball moving!

Here it goes.
Throw it back to someone who means something to you!

A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends.
But the treasure inside for you to see is the treasure
of friendship you've granted to me.

Today I pass the friendship ball to you.

Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.

MY OATH TO YOU...

When you are sad.....I will dry your tears.
When you are scared.....I will comfort your fears.
When you are worried......I will give you hope.
When you are confused.....I will help you cope.
And when you are lost...and can't see the light,
I shall be your beacon...shini ng ever so bright.

This is my oath.....I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?....Because you're my friend.
Signed: GOD

38
Flotsam and Jetsam / No Left Turns
« on: December 23, 2011, 02:51:41 am »
This is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes...
 
My father never drove a car. Well, that's not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car.

He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.

"In those days," he told me when he was in his 90s, "to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it."

At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:
"Oh, bull shit!" she said. "He hit a horse.."

"Well," my father said, "there was that, too."

So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars -- the Kollingses next door had a green 1941Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford -- but we had none.

My father, a newspaperman in  Des Moines  , would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.

My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we'd ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. "No one in the family drives," my mother would explain, and that was that.

But, sometimes, my father would say, "But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we'll get one." It was as if he wasn't sure which one of us would turn 16 first.

But, sure enough , my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.

It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn't drive, it more or less became my brother's car.

Having a car but not being able to drive didn't bother my father, but it didn't make sense to my mother.

So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving.. The cemetery probably was my father's idea. "Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?" I remember him saying more than once.

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps -- though they seldom left the city limits -- and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.

Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn't seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.

(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)

He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin's Church.
She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish's two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.

If it was the assistant pastor, he'd take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests "Father Fast" and "Father Slow."

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he'd sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I'd stop by, he'd explain: "The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionai re on third base scored."

If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out -- and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, "Do you want to know the secret of a long life?"

"I guess so," I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.

"No left turns," he said.

"What?" I asked

"No left turns," he repeated. "Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic..

As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn."

"What?" I said again.

"No left turns," he said. "Think about it.. Three rights are the same as a left, and that's a lot safer. So we always make three rights."

"You're kidding!" I said, and I turned to my mother for support.
"No," she said, "your father is right. We make three rights. It works."
But then she added: "Except when your father loses count."

I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.

"Loses count?" I asked.

"Yes," my father admitted, "that sometimes happens. But it's not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you're okay again."

I couldn't resist. "Do you ever go for 11?" I asked.

"No," he said " If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can't be put off another day or another week."
My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.

She lived four more years, until 2003.. My father died the next year, at 102.

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom -- the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house..)

He continued to walk daily -- he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he'd fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising -- and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.

A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, "You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred." At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, "You know, I'm probably not going to live much longer."

"You're probably right," I said.

"Why would you say that?" He countered, somewhat irritated.

"Because you're 102 years old," I said...

"Yes," he said, "you're right." He stayed in bed all the next day.

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night

He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said:
"I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet"

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words:

"I want you to know," he said, clearly and lucidly, "that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have."

A short time later, he died.

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I've wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.

I can't figure out if it was because he walked through life,
Or because he quit taking left turns. "

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it."

40
Ceredwin's Cauldron / BEST POEM IN THE WORLD
« on: November 14, 2011, 01:47:32 pm »
BEST POEM IN THE WORLD  ???

I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp--
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.
Bob, who I always thought
Would rot away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said,
'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Jus t going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!

41
Ceredwin's Cauldron / Keeper
« on: September 24, 2011, 11:41:22 am »

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused.. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and dish-towel in hers.. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ...never to return. So ..While we have it ....its best we love it ... And care for it .... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it when it's sick.
This is true ...For marriage ... And old cars ..... And children with bad report cards .... Dogs and cats with bad hips .... And aging parents ... And grandparents, brothers and sisters,aunts,uncles and friends. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend who moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close in heart and mind and spirit.

Sometimes its even like that in a guild... Know this you all are keepers.

Connor

42
Ceredwin's Cauldron / Why We Hunt Deer With A Gun
« on: September 22, 2011, 12:19:49 pm »
 
Why We Hunt Deer With A Gun


Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand....kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse.. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer

43
Flotsam and Jetsam / What will they think of next!???
« on: February 27, 2011, 04:52:51 am »
*** Not sure if true but always possable  so just in case

A friend sent me this email and I am sending it on to my Friends:  Wednesday, I approached my truck from the passenger side to place my computer bag (aka my man purse) in the front passenger seat. 

As I reached to open the door I noticed there was a hole right under my door handle.  My first thought was, "someone has shot my truck!"  I began to think about it and inspect it a little closer and the "light" slowly began to come on.

I phoned my friend who owns a body shop and asked if he had any vehicles with damage to the doors that looked like a bullet hole.

"Yes, I see it all the time.  Thieves have a punch and place it right under the door handle, knock a hole through, reach in and unlock it, just as if they have a key.

No alarms, broken glass or anything.

I then placed a call to my insurance agent and explained it to him I was puzzled that they left my GPS and all other belongings.  Here is where it gets scary!

"Oh no, he said, they want the break-in to be so subtle that you don't even realize it.

They look at your GPS to see where "home" is.

Now they know what you drive, go to your home, and If your vehicle isn't there they assume you aren't and break in your home."

He says they will even leave a purse or wallet and only take one or two credit cards.

By the time you realize there has been a theft, they may have already had a couple days or more to use them.

I didn't realize my situation for two full days!

They even give you the courtesy of re-locking your doors for you.

Periodically walk around your car, daily if you are in a shopping center or other parking area.

Report thefts immediately...  your bank w/missing check numbers,
your credit card agencies, police, and insurance companies, etc.

44
Flotsam and Jetsam / Just a few useful sites in real life
« on: October 19, 2010, 05:00:27 pm »
WEBSITES - You’re a smart consumer if you are suspicious of anything that says it’s free. However, here are some great websites that are useful and FREE:
1.   Money mapping – visit www.mint.com to track you spending, goals, and monthly budget.
2.   Projects - www.findhow.co m – wonderful “how to” site that gives directions for almost everything from how to roast a turkey to how to become an aircraft mechanic. If you just want to expand your knowledge, this is a great site.
3.   Family communication - www.famundo.co m, www.keepandsha re.com, www.google.com  – these sites enable busy families to communicate, connect, share and organize the family schedule online.
4.   Computer questions -www.asktcl.com – for those of us who are not particularly technical, the Computer Lady can answer your computer questions. The site has answers to various questions, links to free software, and tutorials.
5.   Cell phone recycling - www.flipswap.c om – Want to recycle your old phone and get paid? This site will let you do that and it’s fast and free. So when you buy your new phone, at least get paid for your old one!
6.   Free security computer software:
a.   www.avast.com – antivirus program that is highly rated yet doesn’t slow down your computer.
b.   http://free.avg.com – free antivirus and antispyware for Windows 7, Vista and XP.
c.   www.pctools.co m/free-antiverus  – free antivirus for Windows Vista, XP, and 2000.
d.   www.microsoft. com/security_essentials/ - provides real-time protection for your home PC that guards against viruses, spyware, and other malicious software.

7.   Online shoppers:
a.   www.honesty.co m – if you shop at eBay, this site is highly valuable. It enables you to simply enter the item you are searching for and the category, then Honesty.com will search comparable values. In the end, you will know if you have a good deal or not.
b.   www.beatmypric e.com – if you found an item online, enter the details at Beatmyprice.co m, and see if someone has found it cheaper somewhere else. Beatmyprice.co m will show you which sites have the best prices for that exact item. They will be ranked from the lowest price to the most expensive.
c.   www.smarter.co m – this site uses an unbiased system to compare prices on products from thousands of online merchants. Additionally, you can see product reviews, as well as tips to find the right product.
d.   www.priceadvan ce.com – lets your browser compare prices for you. With technology moving forward, consider adding a browser plug-in that incorporates a price comparison feature to a number of popular merchant sites such as amazon.com, Best Buy, and Sears. While you shop for products at your favorite online stores, Price Advance will automatically search other retailers for better prices.
e.   www.ebates.com – searches for rewards and bonuses offered by online retailers. This site shows current deals from about 900 online stores. Additionally they have a coupon section which gives you choices from “free shipping” to “free gifts.”

45
Flotsam and Jetsam / Words of Wisdom or are they?
« on: September 22, 2010, 03:23:16 pm »
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
 
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
 
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
 
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
 
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
 
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
 
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
 
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
 
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


46
General Discussion / Some notes about Credit Scores that seem helpful
« on: April 06, 2010, 03:54:03 pm »
CREDIT – We depend on credit for many important things in life from buying a car to purchasing our first home. Your credit score determines whether you can do these things and how much it will cost you. The better your credit score the more money you save in interest, fees, and over the long term. The first step to saving money begins with your credit. Take the time to know and understand your credit.
1.   You can pull all three of your credit reports on a yearly basis for free from www.annualcred itreport.com or call their toll free number at 877-322-8228.
2.   Check out www.creditkarm a.com for interactive tools and simulators to learn how to optimize your credit. www.quizzle.co m offers you a free credit report, free credit score and also a free budget. This site also offers tips to improve your situations and links to help you understand your current credit report.
3.   www.vantagesco re.com/benefits/consumers/ explains the new innovative credit scoring model that simplifies and enhances the credit process for consumers and creditors. With the credit scoring system changes it is important to know what items impact your score.
You can improve your credit score by working on the following areas:
•   Avoid missed/late payments – the easiest way to avoid late payments is by setting up bill pay automatically from your checking account. Bill pay lets you control the amount, date, and how often you pay a bill and it’s free with most checking accounts.
•   Pay off debt instead of moving it around – Work to pay off your debt and maintain low balances on credit cards. For the best score, strive to achieve less than 35% of the available balance.
•   Careful on opening new credit –when you apply for credit cards, each one is considered a new inquiry so forgo those opportunities to open store credit cards for a savings on that day’s purchases.  Additionally, too many new accounts opened at once will raise your credit limit but lower the average account age, which will reduce your overall score.
•   Changing address – frequent change of addresses can reduce your score. Consider getting a post office box if you plan on moving apartments on a regular basis or you change jobs frequently.
•   Authorized users – when you add an authorized user to your credit card account, make sure that the user doesn’t overspend. Being the principal card holder, you will have to make the payments and in case you can’t afford it, your credit score would get hit along with the authorized user. Additionally, if there is a significant increase on the card amount, you can change your debt-to-limit ratio and cause a decrease in credit score this way.
•   Credit Utilization – Having access to credit is one consideration, and how much credit has been tapped in another. If you have “maxed out” your credit cards and/or lines of credit you may not be able to obtain any additional credit or credit at the best possible terms. The lack of liquidity puts you as a high-risk to creditors.

47

     Thank you for being a valued Microsoft customer! As a show of our appreciation for your qualifying purchase of Windows Vista Home Premium, Business or Ultimate, we would like to offer you an upgrade to Windows 7 when available. Please review the following information regarding the redemption process before continuing:
Eligibility & Order Information: If you acquire a qualifying Windows® Vista retail packaged product between June 26, 2009 and January 31, 2010 you are eligible to receive the corresponding Microsoft Windows 7 product upgrade for the cost of shipping and handling ($9.99). Please allow 6-8 weeks (pending inventory availability) for delivery following the Windows 7 release on October 22, 2009.

Required Proofs Of Purchase: You will be required to provide the following proofs of purchase to redeem your upgrade: (1) the 25 character Product Key, including dashes, from your Windows Vista product, located on the inside panel of your product box and (2) a copy of your dated sales receipt that clearly shows the name of the store where you acquired your product.

*This program is valid for boxed product purchases only. If you acquired qualifying Windows Vista software pre-loaded on a new computer, please go here.


After you have provided the requested information below, to validation your purchase, you will be asked to complete the following steps:

Please print out two copies of the order receipt page.
Keep one copy for your personal records.
Mail the second copy, along with your dated sales receipt, to the Microsoft Service Center. All mail must be postmarked by March 1, 2010 and received by April 1, 2010.
Your purchase may be subject to terms and conditions for a specific product and/or region in addition to the Terms and Conditions below. Please click here for any additional applicable product and/or region specific terms and conditions.
 

48
Flotsam and Jetsam / Born between 1930 - 1979
« on: January 14, 2010, 03:25:32 pm »








No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!


To Those of  Us  Born  1930 - 1979


At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please read what he said.
 


 
Very well stated, Mr. Leno..
 

 
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
 

 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
 



 
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.
 

 
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.
 



 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
 

 
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
 



 
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
 

 
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
 

 

 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
 

 

 
We ate cupcakes made with Lard, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank FLAV- OR- AID made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.   WHY?
 

 
Because we were always outside playing....tha t's why!
 

 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
 

 
  We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
 

 
  We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
no surround-sound or CD's,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
 

 
   
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
 

 
   
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
 

 
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
 

 

 
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
 



 
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
 





 
 Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment .
 

 
Imagine that!! 

 

 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! 

 
 

 
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
 

 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. What can kids today do besides push buttons.
 

 
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
 



 
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATION S! 
 

 
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
 



 
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
 





 
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
 

 

The quote of the month is by
Jay Leno:
 

 
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' 

49
Flotsam and Jetsam / Funny but at least PG -13
« on: November 02, 2009, 07:03:08 pm »
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
   
   A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
   
   Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
   
   The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no longterm adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
   
   WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
   
   AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
   
   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
   
   There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
   
   I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
   
   Am I wrong?
   
   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
   
   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
   
   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
   
   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
   
   I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
   
   HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
   
   I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
   
   Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
   
   I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
   
   PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
   
   If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

50
Flotsam and Jetsam / A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS.........
« on: October 06, 2009, 11:25:31 pm »
A PET'S TEN COMMANDMENTS.. .......   

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.

2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.

3. Place your trust in me.  It is crucial for my well-being.

4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.

5. Talk to me.  Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.

6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.

7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.

8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me.  Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.

9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.

10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please.  Never say you can't bear to watch.  Don't make me face this alone.  Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.

Take a moment today to thank God for your pets.  Enjoy and take good care of them.

Life would be a much duller, less joyful experience without God's critters.

Now please pass this on to other pet owners.  We are surrounded by hope, love, and joyfulness;  it is here on earth and has 4 legs!

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